Here’s An Example Of Average Copywriting vs. Words That Truly Work

 

The Task: Asking prospects to send in money (donations) for saving a charity children’s hospital from cutting back – or even closing altogether.

 

What Most People Would Write:

 

Dear Friend,

 

Did You know that  this Christmas, over a million children won’t be spending it at home? They be in a hospital, some fighting for life.

 

Many parents will be forced to make a terrible choice: Their money or their child’s health. Hospitals and doctor’s don’t come cheap – and with so many families with inadequate health insurance or even no health insurance, if they can’t find a solution… well that could spell the difference between life and death.

 

The Saving Hands Charity Children’s Hospital is for many parents their child’s last hope.

 

Won’t you consider making a donation this year, for the children?

 

Any amount would be greatly appreciated, and we promise it will go where intended – in helping sick children get well.

 

May god bless you,

 

Rachel Kindred

 

 

What an “A” Class Copywriter Would Craft

 

Dear Concerned Parent,

 

Let me tell you a bit about Suzie.

 

When I walked into the children’s cancer ward, I immediately picked her out. The nurses called her “Little Suzie.” Perhaps it was because she looked so thin and pale… the awful cancer devouring her health making her small stature even more noticeable.

 

Suzie was nearly bald, the powerful chemicals fighting her illness knowing neither friend nor foe – killing the good and the bad indiscriminately.

 

A small tuft of flaxen yellow hair was all she had left on her little head.

 

I walked over, trying not to sadly stare at this young life, so debilitated by her disease the doctors had all but given up hope.

 

It was a day or so before Christmas Eve, and I had a gift for Little Suzie, a special doll the floor nurse told me Suzie had talked about. I was just about to hand it to her when… to my horror… I saw she had the exact same one in her arms.

 

What could I do? I handed Suzie the gift, and started mumbling an apology. But then I saw it – a special light came to Suzie’s eyes. She very carefully took the doll from my trembling hand, put it next to the one she was holding and… thanked me with a smile that just melted my heart.

 

But what she said next almost broke it…

 

“Now my dolly has a sister, so she won’t be lonely after I’m gone!”

 

Cancer is no respecter of person or age. Little Susie’s parents just didn’t have the money to afford the best care possible, and possibly her one small chance for survival.

 

But there is real hope for angels like Suzie, and it’s called the Saving Hands Charity Children’s Hospital. It doesn’t matter how poor a child’s parents are – the Saving Hands Charity Children’s Hospital care is free. But this one beacon of hope is about to dim – and may even go out forever.

 

You see, Suzie wasn’t in a Saving Hands Hospital. They simply had no more room.

 

Budget shortfalls, the failing economy… the icy hand of finances indiscriminately cutting where it will, even into this wonderful and totally free care. Right down to the bare bones.

 

Imagine if it was your daughter lying in that hospital, gently cradling her 2 dolls, knowing that next Christmas she probably wouldn’t be there to care for them anymore.

 

Imagine how you would feel, realizing your precious little one needed medicines and care, essentials you simply couldn’t afford. There could probably be no greater pain of loss or despair in your life, could there?

 

Now imagine your relief when the doctor comes over to you and says: “Don’t worry… your daughter is going to get all the care she needs. In fact, I’ll be here to make sure she does. Everything has already been paid for.”

 

What release and joy would flood through your body – knowing you’ll not only have her this Christmas, but many, many more to come.

 

 Won’t you help a child like Suzie by donating whatever you can today… right now in fact?

 

Every penny will go the Save The Saving Hands Charity Children’s Hospital Fund.

 

Nothing will be wasted on trips, or fancy dinners, or fundraiser galas. Everyone working with this charity is donating their time and their efforts. Their only reward is seeing children like Suzie getting the help and care they need – and the thanks of their very grateful parents.

 

Please help now… because for so many Little Suzie’s, there may very well be no more tomorrows.

 

May God truly bless you.

 

 

Rachel Kindred

 

P.S. You may wonder if the story about Little Suzie is real. I can assure it is. The only thing changed is her name. It’s been 4 years since then, and I now have those two dolls as a remembrance of the kindness and love of this wonderful small little girl. You see… I was the one who gave her that second doll.

 

I’m taking care of those dolls now…  praying every day no other family has to suffer like the parents of Little Suzie did ever again.

 

For “Suzie”… her parents… and every life too young to be taken… please, please give what you can.

 

***

 

 

Now I ask you…

 

·     Did the 1^st letter hit you in your gut?

·     Did it tear at your heartstrings?

·     Did it make you even weep a little?

 

Probably not.

 

But the 2^nd letter…

 

If you are a parent, I bet you started to choke up a bit – didn’t you? You thought of your own child – and what you wouldn’t do to save their life if need be.

 

The story became personal for you. It was no longer some nameless kid in some sterile hospital ward… it’s a small, sick little girl named Suzie… and she desperately needs your help.

 

So… which one of these letters will be getting your hard earned cash?

 

Hard choice, huh?

 

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